my heart, my well

Credit: Deborah Koff-Chapin

Sometimes, when I read over the writing done in our inside circles to transcribe them, I find it hard to believe – even though I was there! – that these words poured out on the spot, without revision or premeditation. They tumbled forth onto the page just as you read them here. In this case, prompted by the image (left), part of Deborah Koff-Chapin’s “Soul Card One” series.

Women love writing in response to these cards. As was true for tonight’s writer, quoted below, pain and despair live so close to the surface. Given the opportunity to write, she pulls the words straight from her heart and drives them home to ours.

My heart is a deep well
turned copper from too many pennies,
every hope, every dream.
Hope and love splatter my insides.
Hate and regret live there, too.
Dark scars from Self spread thin
unable to recognize myself.
Looking deep within
there’s barely a trace,
a faint glimpse of me deep in that well.

It’s me splattered everywhere,
everything I once believed in worn out.
Self fading. My well filling
with something I don’t recognize. Continue reading

i’d rather you not know . . .

Eve covers herself and lowers her head in sham...

Eve covers herself and lowers her head in shame in Rodin’s sculpture “Eve after the Fall”. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last night we wrote with 14 women, each of whom had breathtakingly raw and honest things to say about who they were, have become. And, in keeping with the prompt, shared what they wish someone might see about them; as well as what they would prefer remain hidden. What follows is TD’s quickly-penned response to the full prompt: “what would you not want someone you respected but didn’t know well to perceive about you?”

There are things I’d rather you not know. It’s how it happened that’s shameful; and having these feelings crop up at just the thought of you finding out makes me want to run and hide. While you jump and shout about, stamping, your hand flailing, and I envision your voice getting louder as I start to shut down and your lips are no longer moving.

I feel selfish, too knowing you are my father and you were the one who watched me grow; and how would you of known, it was hidden so well.

Standing before you, I feel so awful and my own pain is just too much to try to even begin to feel; but watching your whole world crumble as the tears flow just makes this even more confusing.

I don’t want you to remember this, but we have really no choice. The things I didn’t want you to know came out. My only thoughts are: can you still love me the same; and are you still going to be here to support me? I’m scared to death to be alone a minute longer to all the hurt and shamefulness that’s been going on inside of me. There is a void within me that has shattered my perception of who I am and what it is I should be.

Sometimes I wonder if it was meant to happen, these things I keep within me. I’ve realized over time how to push the pain and fear deeper down, just for the sake of my own well-being. On the outside, I’m looking like the woman who’s reached her beauty; but inside is the killer. I’m all these mixed emotions, bottled up tightly, trying to figure out if I let out the true thing I feel within me, will you love me, accept me and fill me with your pride? Somewhere along the way, I got lost in others’ plans; but today, with your help, I can better begin to plan how to feel like a woman of self worth and confidence.