credit – donperino

The third writer in this series writes to, from and about her heart. And it will break yours. For the nearly five years I have written with her, I have watched her struggle with relationship. With men. In her family. To herself last of all, sadly and typically.

In these few words of power, she plumbs the depth of experience in direct and searingly honest strokes.

THE HUNGRY HEART WANTS MORE

Do you believe that you should listen to your heart all the time? My whole life I’ve listened to my heart. When your heart is broken, it tells you lies. And I believe them, because I will do anything to make that pain stop. I wish I listened to logic, not this irrational emotional mess in my chest. Most days, the pain is so unbearable, I feel crazy. I can’t ignore it, so I act on it, going against my better judgment. My heart constantly screams these lies ‘til I make them my truth. They’re so engrained in me I can’t hear anything else. How do you confront your heart? I don’t want to admit my truths, even to myself. My own heart denies it. Even though everything I wish to forget is all true.

Sometimes I wonder what’s gonna happen when I face myself. Will I crumble at the sight of this imposter? Or will I love myself enough to be courageous enough to stand in my own pain? That’s what I’m most afraid of. That pain. That completely brutally honest pain. I want to ignore it because I’m already dead to it. Dead within myself. Sometimes fear is the only thing that lets me know I’m still alive. I can’t even stand myself. I feel like part of me is being erased, all the best parts. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I used to be so sure of where I was heading and who I’d become. I was proud of my heritage, poverty! I was never ashamed. I believed my past shaped me into this amazing woman. Now . . . I hate everything I’ve come from and everything I’ve become. I hate myself for being naïve and loving too much. Like all these years and I still haven’t learned shit, still trusting my heart, believing that love conquers all.

SS